After years of telling myself to shut up because i'm too afraid of being judged and of what people might say, I am learning to get my voice back. I want to tell you my story, what it's like to be in my shoes and to tell you that despite how difficult it might be there IS hope. And somehow hoping that I can help and inspire you. Perhaps I have more to share than darkness and I could spread some beauty into the world too...
To know everything legit about bipolar disorder, visit Buzzfeed's article:
MY STORY
Growing up, I've always felt insecure and my heart was tooooo big that I feel to much. Or you could say i'm too sensitive. Throughout adolescence, I felt I've been extremely moody. I'd go from depressive state for weeks and one day I'd wake up feeling positive and ecstatic. I didn't know it had a name, not until I was 18.
I don't know where or how it started. As far as I remember I've had a roller coaster ride during my high school days but mostly it was tearful, I've been bullied not just by peers but also by teachers, it was too much than I can handle. College came and it became worse; pressure from studies, death visited our family often, friends, bullies, and of course heartbreaks. I starved myself and I hated myself to be like that. I self injured to the point that I find it comforting. I become suicidal, I've tried killing myself many times. I just felt like I don't have the willpower to live anymore. I just couldn't handle life. And that's just the depressive side... There were also days that I when I wake up I suddenly feel extremely ecstatic and positive, productive and full of ideas. Thoughts are racing into my head that sometimes I can't keep up which I end up being irritable, mad, say inappropriate things and making bad decisions. Then depression hits again... It's confusing, really, moving back and forth with this mixed episodes. Sometimes I just can't describe it, its excruciating , tiring and unbearable. I've been through worst...
That world around you, all dark and hollow, without meaning or context, without hope, as dry as a desert. It holds you around its frosty hands, feeling thin, painful. Noise was dull, food was tasteless, days were long and nights, sleepless; home was horror and tomorrow seems unlikely.The first time, the sombre time, when you try to kill yourself, imagining how your funeral will be like, fantasizing about it in tremendous detail. (YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO DIE. YOU JUST WANT TO GET AWAY. AND YOU’RE NOT THE LAST ONE.)
Having an aunt as psychiatrist, at first I was resistant because I felt shy and ashamed. Eventually I gave in to meds and therapy which I believe one of the best decisions I've ever made. And of course, my support system aka family was beyond amazing.
I can't say that i'm 100% A-okay. I'm still not out of the woods yet but i'm getting there. ButnI am so much better than yesterday...
"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here."
(Desiderata)
HOW I DEALT WITH IT
1. Therapy and Medicine
From manic to depression or even mixed episodes, I was an ultimate mess. It was too much to handle. Resistant as I was at first but I finally gave in thinking that there's no harm in trying. I've been taking meds for 4 years now and it really helped me stabilize my mood. Of course there are days when I forget to take it and there were weeks that I tried not taking it at all because I didn't want to be dependent on medications but I think for now i'm not yet ready to loosen it up, maybe someday when i'm a lot better. The downside is it makes me numb sometimes, I can't feel anything like everything's just cool even in devastating situations. When my cousin and grandpa died last April, I took a break from taking my meds for a week just to cry it all out. Medications are also quite expensive, i'm just so lucky that my parents can give all the possible support I can get. Alas, talking also helps. I've been through sessions of therapy and it helped!
All i'm saying is if it works out for you, continue taking it. Like I said there's no harm in trying.
2. Support System
I'm beyond lucky that I have a great support system. I'm thankful to have my parents that supports me not just financially but also emotionally. Having a family and friends that loves me and understands me even though sometimes i'm too hard to understand and to deal with had a great impact in making me a better person. Telling me to not let my illness define me and giving me constant advice, they're like my sidekicks in fighting my monsters. Of course I lost a lot of friends who easily gave up on me, at the end you'll really know who your true friends are. I'm deeply grateful to have all of them!
Lastly, Ali is a gift from the heavens. I couldn't imagine myself standing right now if it weren't for him, he's a life changer and I couldn't thank God enough for this wonderful man. I'm so blessed and lucky to have him in my life.
3. Environment & Lifestyle change
Healthy and positive environment attracts positive energy. It's true! When you're surrounded by pessimists and negative people, it may affect you big time and may drag you down. Letting go of toxic people was a great help. Avoiding such people doesn't mean that i'm (or you) a bad person, its just about choosing happiness over toxicity. At the end, if i'm not gonna do it, i'll be the one who will suffer. I've come to realise that shifting from Nursing to Education was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Nursing was too stressful for me, the environment (batch mates, clinical instructors, school) was too mean for me and it drags me down. When I transferred school and shifted to Education, I became happy and content. I finally found the kind of field i'm passionate about.
It was a great challenge changing my lifestyle though sometimes i'm still guilty of breaking them. It's hard but no pain no gain. Here are some of the changes I've undergone:
- Getting enough sleep is important. Sleeping 8-9 hours helped me stabilize my mood and boosts up my hormones.
- Avoid chocolates, sodas and other junk. I'm still having troubles with this but i'm trying. I'm trying little by little. Also, eat vegies and other bipolar friendly food, there tons of choices in google if you're interested.
- Exercise can help too! It alleviates depression and balance your mood. It also increases attention and decision making. But now that i'm working it's hard to exercise everyday, I barely have time but i'm doing the best that I can to find time.
4. Hobbies
Something to do really did help for it kept my mind busy and diverts my mood into something productive. That huge factor I guess is blogging. Blogging is one of the main reason that keeps me sane and somewhat passionate. I remember when I was starting out, I was blogging to vent out my feelings and frustration but as time goes by I've learned to be positive because of it. Aside from blogging, I'm gardening every now and then cos I find it really therapeutic. Books also helped me a lot in my journey on becoming the better me.
It's really important that you find the things that you'd love to do, it's a great help. Whether it's baking or gardening, cleaning your house or painting, whatever you're interest is just do it. Cry and then stand up, stop sulking under your blanket and just do it. It can help you in divert all those negative vibes into something good, positive and productive, thus it'll make you more passionate and inspired to do more productive things.
5. Paris & Dashy
Paris and Dashy are my babies, they're my dogs. I know I know... I know what you're thinking. Yes, i'm aware that dogs are not allowed in Islam, but you see I've had them even before I reverted. I can't simply give them away, they're family. More than that, they helped my battle with bipolar. They comfort and make me smile whenever i'm blue. I owe it to them, they made me better as a person.
6. Becoming a Hijabi
Lastly, I've realised that reverting to Islam made a huge difference in my life. I tell you, I may not be the most knowledgeable or devoted Muslim but Islam especially wearing the hijab really made a difference in my life. Wearing hijab and becoming modest made me become cautious in my action in the public and towards other people, it teaches me to act proper and that includes to be aware of me being impulsive, to think before I speak. I can stay i'm still a bit lost spiritually but i'm learning, i'm getting there step-by-step. It really changed my life. It made me stronger. Inshaallah, i'll be better than I was yesterday.
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I guess having Bipolar is a constant battle, it's always there and will always be there hiding in the closet inside me. But like I said, there IS hope. The fact that i'm still alive and writing this down proves it. I'm not out of the woods yet but i'm getting there. Of course, there are still those days when getting up from bed is really hard and being impulsive and hyper is hard to stop, but I let it in and then I get up again... Thinking and assuring myself that I am better than I was 3 to 4 years ago.
So if you're on the same shoes as mine, please don't take your life away, you are not alone. Help yourself, it may not be easy and it may take a bit long but do it still, for yourself, and believe me it's all worth it, after all life is still beautiful...
"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
(Desiderata)
