July 1

It’s my birth month, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Maybe it’s the birthday blues, or maybe I’ve simply outgrown the excitement. Or maybe I’m just being pessimistic or ungrateful.

For years, I’ve romanticized my birthday. I always imagined it would be this perfect, magical day where I’d get to do everything I love and create unforgettable memories. I set such high expectations - unrealistic ones if I’m being honest. And when reality inevitably fell short, I was left feeling disappointed, sometimes even depressed.

There were a handful of birthdays when I had massive emotional outbursts. I’ve often blamed my bipolar disorder for those moments, and I know it likely played a role. But looking back now, I also have to admit that my expectations were setting me up for disappointment. I kept chasing a version of the day that no real birthday could ever live up to.

Maybe that’s why, this year, I just don’t have the same excitement anymore. There’s no countdown, no anticipation, no elaborate plans. I’m not sad exactly. I just feel… indifferent. Perhaps that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe this year is an opportunity to let go of the pressure to make my birthday extraordinary and simply allow it to be another day - a day that doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.

July 2

Reading: Arsenic and Adobo by Pia Manansala

July 3

Sometimes I become hyperfixated on things.

It starts with something small - obsessively searching Shopee for secondhand Penguin Classics, longing for the vintage treasures I see on Instagram, or feeling an almost irresistible urge to go out and buy whatever has lodged itself in my mind. I find myself endlessly scrolling through Instagram and Threads, hopping from one account to another, convinced that if I keep looking, I’ll eventually find exactly what I’m searching for.

When this happens, my mind feels restless and impossibly loud. My thoughts race from one thing to the next, and I feel almost frantic, as though I’m caught in a frenzy that I can’t easily quiet. It’s exhausting, even when the fixation itself seems harmless. I often wonder if these periods are connected to my bipolar disorder. They feel different from ordinary excitement or curiosity - more consuming, more urgent, as though my mind has been switched into overdrive.

July 4

Is it normal to miss people who are no longer part of your life - people you’ve fallen out with, and perhaps still carry some resentment toward? Sometimes a song, a show, or an ordinary moment brings them to mind. A memory of a friend or cousin I once loved dearly surfaces without warning, and afterwards I’m left with a quiet sadness. I suppose love does not vanish all at once, even when the relationship does. It’s just heartbreaking and sometimes I hate myself for feeling this way.

I just finished reading Arsenic and Adobo. And I have mixed feelings about it. lol.

July 5

Lately I’ve been wondering how I want to spend my birthday. I know there will be books - there must be books. Perhaps I’ll wander different bookstores, linger in a quiet café, and bring home a crème brûlée cake with its delicate crackle of sugar. The rest, I will leave to the day itself.

July 6

I was taken aback when Ali said he wanted to give me something special, something extravagant. I knew he meant a luxury bag or some other beautiful indulgence, yet I found myself gently refusing. There is a part of me that still feels shy in the presence of such generosity, as though I have not quite learned to believe I am worthy of beautiful things. And beneath that shyness lingers a familiar thrift, a quiet ache at the thought of so much money spent on me.

July 7

I looked at myself in the mirror today and felt disheartened by the weight I’ve regained since returning from GenSan. I’m struggling with feeling unattractive and have lost much of my confidence. I know that some of my habits, like my difficulty giving up soda and being less physically active, have contributed to this, and I’m trying to approach those challenges with honesty. This sucks.

July 8

Today I continued reading What You Are Looking For Is in the Library. I’m only on Chapter 3, yet it already feels meaningful. It has made me pause and reflect on my own life, and it reminds me that things can get better. More than that, it has given me a quiet sense of hope and renewed my motivation to work toward the life I want to build.

July 9

I’ve been watching the impeachment trial over the past few days, and honestly, it’s mind-boggling that people continue to support the Dutertes despite the corruption allegations surrounding them and the violence they have normalized. Most if not all of their supporters resort to insults, harassment, threats, and ad hominem attacks, which can make the movement feel almost cult-like. At times, the Dutertes even remind me of themes from George Orwell’s works, particularly the use of propaganda, online troll networks, and misinformation.

July 10

Today is my birthday.

The birthday blues were there, lingering quietly in the background, but I did my best not to let them take over. But surprisingly, it has been a pleasant day.

July 11

Lately, I’ve noticed something about myself that I don’t fully understand. Whenever Ali has to go somewhere or do something without me, I feel this heaviness that I can’t quite explain. It’s not that I don’t want him to have a life outside of us, but I find myself feeling awful whenever he’s out and I’m stuck at home with the twins crying and being needy all day. Sometimes that feeling grows into a slight tantrum, which almost always ends with us arguing.

I keep asking myself where this comes from. Is it trust issues? Fear of missing out? Anxiety? I don’t know. I don’t like reacting this way, especially because I know it isn’t fair to him. The feeling always appears before I can make sense of it. Maybe this isn’t really about where he’s going. Maybe it’s about something deeper that I haven’t uncovered yet.

July 12

I’m almost done reading What You Are Looking for Is in the Library, and it’s one of the most heartwarming books I’ve read in a long time. Reading it feels like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a quiet, rainy evening. There’s nothing dramatic about the story - it’s gentle, ordinary, and wonderfully mundane. Yet somehow, that’s exactly what makes it so powerful. It reminds me that life’s biggest changes don’t always arrive with grand, life-altering moments. Sometimes they begin with the smallest shifts in perspective or the right book finding you at exactly the right time. It’s the kind of story that doesn’t overwhelm you while you’re reading it, but lingers quietly in your heart long after you’ve closed the book.

July 13

There’s something ironic about my name being Joy, because I’m not a happy person at all. 

More often than not, I only notice my flaws. When I think about myself, my mind immediately lists all my negative traits. If you would ask me what my good qualities are, I honestly wouldn’t know what to say. Sometimes I wonder if I even have any.

I’ve been pessimistic for as long as I can remember. Maybe I was simply born this way. I’ve always believed that whenever something good happens, something bad is bound to follow as if happiness always comes with an expiration date. But if I’m being fair to myself, I think I have changed, even if only a little. I’m not as pessimistic as I used to be. The change is slow and almost invisible, but it’s there.

Sometimes I ask Ali if he notices it too. I think I ask because I need reassurance that I’m not imagining my progress. He would always tell me yes. And he always says he’s proud of me, that I’ve grown, and hearing those words makes me believe - if only for a moment - that maybe I’m not as hopeless as I think I am.

July 14

It’s funny how my mind is full of thoughts all day long. But when I finally find the time to journal, my mind goes blank. I’ve either forgotten what I wanted to write about or I can’t seem to find the right words to explain what I was feeling.

July 15

Ugh. I want so many things, but I’m broke.

If money weren’t an issue right now, I’d buy the deluxe special edition of Babel. I’d finally get the garden furniture and whimsical décor I’ve been dreaming of for our secret garden in GenSan. but I already had on a massive Shopee spree - around fifteen books, a vintage folk dance print in a bamboo frame, and a stained glass tissue holder.

July 16

My mind is restless, constantly jumping from one thought to another. It’s a strange contrast - my body sits still for most of the day, while my mind never seems to stop moving. It’s the only thing running, racing through a marathon of thoughts without ever reaching the finish line.

I think so much that I’ve become physically lazy. All my energy is spent inside my head, leaving very little for the world outside it.

July 17

Lately, my days have started to blur together. Maybe it’s because I spend almost every day at home, doing the same things - taking care of the twins, finishing a few chores, watching YouTube, and reading. The routine has become so repetitive that one day feels almost indistinguishable from the next.

July 18

Reading Babel by RF Kuang 

July 19

I think I’m too dumb for R.F. Kuang’s books, especially Babel. There’s just so much information packed into every chapter that I constantly feel overwhelmed. It feels like I’m expected to learn so many things at once, and I can’t seem to keep up. Reading it already takes time, but because I’m annotating as I go, my progress is painfully slow. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I’m simply not smart enough for this book.

July 21

I’ve never been an optimistic person. I’ve lived with my past traumas and depression for so long that it became difficult to recognize the blessings and the goodness already present in my life. My mind has always been quicker to notice what’s wrong than what’s right. But I’m learning. I’m trying my best to count the good things instead of overlooking them. I only hope that no one - not even myself - ends up jinxing this peace.

All that said, I like my life right now. (Wow. I never thought I’d reach a point where I could honestly say that.) Despite the occasional bumps and challenges, my life feels peaceful.

I’m incredibly fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom, giving me the time to enjoy the things that make me feel like myself - reading books, journaling, and embracing a slower, quieter way of living. I have a loving and supportive husband and wonderful twins who fill my days with purpose and joy.

For all of this, I am deeply grateful. I hope I never lose sight of how blessed I truly am, even on the days when my mind tries to convince me otherwise.

July 22

I’ve noticed that I can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time. Whether I’m reading or watching something, I instinctively reach for my phone without even realizing it. In the middle of a task, I’ll suddenly remember to check Shopee, Messenger, or a message from Ali on WhatsApp. Before I know it, my attention has drifted somewhere else. It’s starting to bother me. I don’t know exactly how to fix it, but one thing is certain: the biggest culprit is my phone.

I miss the kind of attention that lets me fully immerse myself in what I’m doing, especially when I’m reading. I want to slow down, absorb every page, and be completely present instead of constantly taking little detours into the digital world. I long for a slower, more intentional way of living, one where I can focus on what’s in front of me without being pulled away every few minutes.

July 24

I don’t write about the twins as much as I probably should, even though they’re glued to me 24/7. I think it’s because they’re such a constant part of my everyday life that I forget these ordinary moments won’t always be ordinary.

I should make more of an effort to write about them. They’re growing up so fast, and every day they surprise me with their wit, curiosity, and quirky little personalities. I know I’ll want to remember these moments one day, and I don’t want them to fade with time.

July 25

Today we went to The Avenues because the twins badly needed to get out of the house and experience the outside world. We had lunch at Jollibee, and afterward they spent some time playing at Magic Planet while I enjoyed wandering around the mall on my own.

My first stop was That Al Salasil, where I walked out with one book. Then I passed by a shoe store and bought a pair of sandals before heading to Flying Tiger. I was convinced I’d leave with a handful of cute things, but unfortunately the items I had been eyeing weren’t there. Maybe I’ll have better luck at another branch.

From there, I made the long walk to Jarir Bookstore at the far end of the mall. I bought a book for myself titled Stranger, a copy of Babel for Aisha, a new phone case, and some highlighters. Before heading back, I stopped by H&M to look for pajamas for the twins.

As I wandered from store to store, I caught myself hoping Ali would remember his promise to buy me a bag. He never brought it up. I know he probably just forgot, but a small, quiet part of me wondered, If he really wanted to, wouldn’t he have remembered?

Then again, I’m not entirely innocent either. I’m too shy to ask because I always feel guilty spending that much money on myself. Nasasayangan ako sa pera. I keep telling myself I don’t need a luxury bag and that there are more practical things to spend money on. But if I’m being completely honest with myself, I know I would have gladly accepted if he had insisted.

It’s such a strange contradiction. I pride myself on being frugal and rarely ask for expensive things, yet there’s still a little girl in me who wants to be spoiled every once in a while. Not because I need another bag, but because it’s comforting to feel thought of - to know someone remembered a promise without being reminded. Maybe that’s what I was really longing for today. It was never just about the bag. It was about feeling seen.

July 26

The twins are so silly.

Out of nowherey, Amirah said, “I don’t want to be poor.” When I asked her what she wanted to be instead, she proudly replied, “Rich.”Another time, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up, and without missing a beat, she answered, “A genius.”

Then I asked Zuzu the same question. Her answer? “A T-Rex.” I couldn’t stop laughing.

Thankfully, I managed to capture these moments on video. I’ve been replaying them over and over because they make me smile every single time. I even sent the videos to Mama, Fatma, Roxette, James, and Mariel. These are the little moments I never want to forget.

July 27

Lately, I’ve been so excited to go home to GenSan because I already have a list of things I want to do and places I want to visit. I want to go coffee shop hopping, explore different Japan surplus stores, give our garden a makeover, and pamper myself with massages, laser treatments, and HIFU. The only thing standing in the way is money. Lol.

Everything is just so expensive these days, and I feel guilty - even a little embarrassed - asking Ali for money to spend on my vanity. I know he’d probably say yes, but I can’t help feeling that there are more important things our money should go toward.

June 28

It’s 2 a.m., and my heart feels so heavy. I don’t know why. I want to cry, but all I feel is this overwhelming emptiness.

What makes it worse is the guilt. I feel like I have no right to feel this way. I should be happy. I get to stay home with my kids. I have the time to read, to rest, and to enjoy a slow, quiet life. I know how fortunate I am, and I’m grateful for it.

So why does my heart still feel so heavy tonight?

July 29

I feel so helpless whenever I think about the state of the Philippines. It feels like no matter how loudly people cry out, how many protests are held, or how tirelessly we demand accountability, our voices are drowned out by those in power. The government carries on as if our fears, frustrations, and suffering don’t exist.

It’s heartbreaking to watch the same problems repeat themselves over and over again, with so little changing despite so many people fighting for a better future. Sometimes I wonder if anything we do truly matters. That feeling of powerlessness is one of the hardest things to carry, not because people have stopped caring, but because it feels like those who should care the most simply don’t. What’s also insane is  majority of the people keep on voting for those fucks. 

July 30 

I’ve been so stressed with the twins since yesterday. They just wouldn’t listen or follow directions, and by the end of it, I found myself questioning my life choices and whether I’m truly cut out for motherhood. Moments like these make me doubt myself more than I’d like to admit, even though I know one difficult day doesn’t define who I am as a mother.

I finally finished Babel, and I am unwell.

It took me forever to finish, not because it was bad, but because there was just so much to take in. It explores language, politics, colonialism, imperialism, misogyny, the systemic unfairness faced by women, racism, and so much more. Every chapter gave me something to think about, and I often found myself slowing down just to process everything.

The middle was a bit slow and dragged at times, but the payoff was absolutely worth it. When I turned the last page, I just sat there staring blankly, with countless thoughts racing through my mind. I didn’t know what to do with all the emotions and ideas the book left me with.

I loved it so much. Without a doubt, Babel is my number one favorite read of the year.

July 31

We spent the last day of July - really, the entire weekend - at a beach chalet in Khiran with family and friends. It was a wonderful way to close out the month, surrounded by good company, the sea, and moments of rest before August began.