BITS OF JOYCE: anxiety

Hello, it's been a while...

Hello there! It's been quite a while since I posted something here. A lot has happened... I had A LOT on my shoulders that made blogging last on my list, I became uninspired and my passion for blogging slipped away. Some time two months ago, I even made this blog private for some personal reasons i'm too ashamed to share. Just remembering it makes me cringe a little bit. But i'm here, i'm back with a fresh start... Hopefully for good.

"To truly respect someone even when they’re wrong is to have a heart that wants to help them see, since their “wrongness” is often just the blindness of being behind. This sort of heart is open to seeing the best in another, that there is good on both sides, and that there could also be wrong in the self. It is a harder way, but it treats a person with dignity knowing they are not the enemy; rather they need a light to see further ahead where you are."

Life Lately

Life has been crazy and a lot was going on, good and bad. And I want to share it here not for lots of people to see (as if my life or whatever is fascinating to know) but for my future self. Memories to keep.

Work especially paper works ate 70% of my time. I've spent sleepless nights and shed a river of tears just to finish all the IEP's, Reports, and Curriculum for my students. Being a SPED teacher is not easy as pie!
For the first time in my life, I became an emcee. It was a nerve wracking but quite a nice experience.
Saying good bye to my students was the hardest part. I cried like a baby during the moving up ceremony.
So I decided to apply as a public school teacher. I had demo teaching, English proficiency test, and interview.
It's a surreal feeling to watch one of my favorite books come to life, and I must say the series is better than the books.
I love the fact that my sisters-in-law and I are pretty much close now.
I was rank 6 in the RQA. After the results went out I was busy complying with all the requirements.
Lately, I've been living a life away from the internet, enjoying the little things like reading books, gardening and spending time with my loved ones.
I just finished watching Goblin. It's an amazing intro to the K-drama world. I'm in lo e with Gong Yoo!
Lazy days are the best

Days from now, I will embark a journey of uncertainty. Wish me luck!

No comments

, by Joenah Joyce

anxiety

In My Shoes: Living with bipolar disorder

After years of telling myself to shut up because i'm too afraid of being judged and of what people might say, I am learning to get my voice back. I want to tell you my story, what it's like to be in my shoes and to tell you that despite how difficult it might be there IS hope. And somehow hoping that I can help and inspire you. Perhaps I have more to share than darkness and I could spread some beauty into the world too...

To know everything legit about bipolar disorder, visit Buzzfeed's article:

Absolutely Everything You Need To Know About Bipolar Disorder

MY STORY

Growing up, I've always felt insecure and my heart was tooooo big that I feel to much. Or you could say i'm too sensitive. Throughout adolescence, I felt I've been extremely moody. I'd go from depressive state for weeks and one day I'd wake up feeling positive and ecstatic. I didn't know it had a name, not until I was 18.

I don't know where or how it started. As far as I remember I've had a roller coaster ride during my high school days but mostly it was tearful, I've been bullied not just by peers but also by teachers, it was too much than I can handle. College came and it became worse; pressure from studies, death visited our family often, friends, bullies, and of course heartbreaks. I starved myself and I hated myself to be like that. I self injured to the point that I find it comforting. I become suicidal, I've tried killing myself many times. I just felt like I don't have the willpower to live anymore. I just couldn't handle life. And that's just the depressive side... There were also days that I when I wake up I suddenly feel extremely ecstatic and positive, productive and full of ideas. Thoughts are racing into my head that sometimes I can't keep up which I end up being irritable, mad, say inappropriate things and making bad decisions. Then depression hits again... It's confusing, really, moving back and forth with this mixed episodes. Sometimes I just can't describe it, its excruciating , tiring and unbearable. I've been through worst...

That world around you, all dark and hollow, without meaning or context, without hope, as dry as a desert. It holds you around its frosty hands, feeling thin, painful. Noise was dull, food was tasteless, days were long and nights, sleepless; home was horror and tomorrow seems unlikely.The first time, the sombre time, when you try to kill yourself, imagining how your funeral will be like, fantasizing about it in tremendous detail. (YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO DIE. YOU JUST WANT TO GET AWAY. AND YOU’RE NOT THE LAST ONE.)

Having an aunt as psychiatrist, at first I was resistant because I felt shy and ashamed. Eventually I gave in to meds and therapy which I believe one of the best decisions I've ever made. And of course, my support system aka family was beyond amazing.

I can't say that i'm 100% A-okay. I'm still not out of the woods yet but i'm getting there. ButnI am so much better than yesterday...

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here."

(Desiderata)

HOW I DEALT WITH IT

1. Therapy and Medicine

From manic to depression or even mixed episodes, I was an ultimate mess. It was too much to handle. Resistant as I was at first but I finally gave in thinking that there's no harm in trying. I've been taking meds for 4 years now and it really helped me stabilize my mood. Of course there are days when I forget to take it and there were weeks that I tried not taking it at all because I didn't want to be dependent on medications but I think for now i'm not yet ready to loosen it up, maybe someday when i'm a lot better. The downside is it makes me numb sometimes, I can't feel anything like everything's just cool even in devastating situations. When my cousin and grandpa died last April, I took a break from taking my meds for a week just to cry it all out. Medications are also quite expensive, i'm just so lucky that my parents can give all the possible support I can get. Alas, talking also helps. I've been through sessions of therapy and it helped!

All i'm saying is if it works out for you, continue taking it. Like I said there's no harm in trying.

2. Support System

I'm beyond lucky that I have a great support system. I'm thankful to have my parents that supports me not just financially but also emotionally. Having a family and friends that loves me and understands me even though sometimes i'm too hard to understand and to deal with had a great impact in making me a better person. Telling me to not let my illness define me and giving me constant advice, they're like my sidekicks in fighting my monsters. Of course I lost a lot of friends who easily gave up on me, at the end you'll really know who your true friends are. I'm deeply grateful to have all of them!

Lastly, Ali is a gift from the heavens. I couldn't imagine myself standing right now if it weren't for him, he's a life changer and I couldn't thank God enough for this wonderful man. I'm so blessed and lucky to have him in my life.

3. Environment & Lifestyle change

Healthy and positive environment attracts positive energy. It's true! When you're surrounded by pessimists and negative people, it may affect you big time and may drag you down. Letting go of toxic people was a great help. Avoiding such people doesn't mean that i'm (or you) a bad person, its just about choosing happiness over toxicity. At the end, if i'm not gonna do it, i'll be the one who will suffer. I've come to realise that shifting from Nursing to Education was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Nursing was too stressful for me, the environment (batch mates, clinical instructors, school) was too mean for me and it drags me down. When I transferred school and shifted to Education, I became happy and content. I finally found the kind of field i'm passionate about.

It was a great challenge changing my lifestyle though sometimes i'm still guilty of breaking them. It's hard but no pain no gain. Here are some of the changes I've undergone:

Getting enough sleep is important. Sleeping 8-9 hours helped me stabilize my mood and boosts up my hormones.
Avoid chocolates, sodas and other junk. I'm still having troubles with this but i'm trying. I'm trying little by little. Also, eat vegies and other bipolar friendly food, there tons of choices in google if you're interested.
Exercise can help too! It alleviates depression and balance your mood. It also increases attention and decision making. But now that i'm working it's hard to exercise everyday, I barely have time but i'm doing the best that I can to find time.

4. Hobbies

Something to do really did help for it kept my mind busy and diverts my mood into something productive. That huge factor I guess is blogging. Blogging is one of the main reason that keeps me sane and somewhat passionate. I remember when I was starting out, I was blogging to vent out my feelings and frustration but as time goes by I've learned to be positive because of it. Aside from blogging, I'm gardening every now and then cos I find it really therapeutic. Books also helped me a lot in my journey on becoming the better me.

It's really important that you find the things that you'd love to do, it's a great help. Whether it's baking or gardening, cleaning your house or painting, whatever you're interest is just do it. Cry and then stand up, stop sulking under your blanket and just do it. It can help you in divert all those negative vibes into something good, positive and productive, thus it'll make you more passionate and inspired to do more productive things.

5. Paris & Dashy

Paris and Dashy are my babies, they're my dogs. I know I know... I know what you're thinking. Yes, i'm aware that dogs are not allowed in Islam, but you see I've had them even before I reverted. I can't simply give them away, they're family. More than that, they helped my battle with bipolar. They comfort and make me smile whenever i'm blue. I owe it to them, they made me better as a person.

6. Becoming a Hijabi

Lastly, I've realised that reverting to Islam made a huge difference in my life. I tell you, I may not be the most knowledgeable or devoted Muslim but Islam especially wearing the hijab really made a difference in my life. Wearing hijab and becoming modest made me become cautious in my action in the public and towards other people, it teaches me to act proper and that includes to be aware of me being impulsive, to think before I speak. I can stay i'm still a bit lost spiritually but i'm learning, i'm getting there step-by-step. It really changed my life. It made me stronger. Inshaallah, i'll be better than I was yesterday.

_______________________________________________

I guess having Bipolar is a constant battle, it's always there and will always be there hiding in the closet inside me. But like I said, there IS hope. The fact that i'm still alive and writing this down proves it. I'm not out of the woods yet but i'm getting there. Of course, there are still those days when getting up from bed is really hard and being impulsive and hyper is hard to stop, but I let it in and then I get up again... Thinking and assuring myself that I am better than I was 3 to 4 years ago.

So if you're on the same shoes as mine, please don't take your life away, you are not alone. Help yourself, it may not be easy and it may take a bit long but do it still, for yourself, and believe me it's all worth it, after all life is still beautiful...

"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

(Desiderata)

27 comments

, by Joenah Joyce

anne frank

Motivational quotes for the mind and soul.

Lately, I've been feeling down and a bit sad. I'm anxious most of the time and I worry to much about the future. It's one of those days when getting out of the bed is really really hard. But I have to drag myself up, I have to get up and get my shit together. I just have to... And that's what I did this morning.

Yes, we have those moments where we feel unmotivated and uninspired, like we have the whole world in our shoulders. But you know what what helps? Aside from a good book and a cup of coffee, finding and reading motivational quotes can help a lot too! That’s what I do, I remind myself to get up and start moving forward.

So here are some inspirational and motivational quotes that may help us go through our gloomy days:

”A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” -David Brinkley
"If you want to live a happy life, ti it to a goal. Not to people or things." -Albert Einstein
“Everyone has inside them a piece of good news. The good news is you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is.” -Anne Frank
"You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life." -Anonymous
“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” -Harriet Tubman
“The best revenge is massive success. –Frank Sinatra
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” –Albert Schweitzer
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” -Helen Keller
You still have a lot of time to make yourself be what you want. There’s still lots of good in this world. -Anonymous
"But I believe good things happen everyday. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. And that’s life, isn't it?" -Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin

I know i'm not alone on this one. Maybe somehow, you have experienced this too. I want you to know, you too are not alone. Just look around you. There are a lot of things to be grateful for.

8 comments

, by Joenah Joyce

Hello, it's been a while...

In My Shoes: Living with bipolar disorder

MY STORY